Dear Back Pain,
You have been hounding me for a few days now. On Monday, you tried to take me out. But I prevailed, with the help of some nice drugs and a chiropractor and ice on my back until my skin was frostbitten. You are still here, lurking under the surface, striking every time I try to change positions, but I am able to sit up now (and therefore sit at my computer and type), and am on my way to recovery. HA HA ASSHOLE! *knock on wood*
Go to Hell
P.S. You ruined my week alone in the house. GO TO THE DEEPEST SECTION OF HELL FOR THAT!
Dear Newspaper Stealer,
Look, seriously, I wouldn’t mind all that much, considering I tend to get my news from more reliable better other sources, and the people in this house who do read the newspaper are off frolicking on a beach somewhere enjoying the sand and surf and margaritas and why couldn’t they take me with th- but this isn’t about my vacation jealousy, this is about your thieving ways. Look, I get it. It’s an easy target. An elephant could have been rampaging my lawn and I wouldn’t have cared on Monday. And since I’m too busy feeling guilty for not being able to lean down and pet my dog (the look she gives me!), the newspaper will continue to be on the back burner. Still, I miss certain sections (oh comics and sudoku), and I did get some news from the newspaper (funny that), so I would like you to stop stealing from me. Please and thank you. Asshole.
Just Go Away
You like captive audiences, right? Well, I’m captive. True, I often forsake you for a book (look, I think books are better than you, okay? I’m sorry to add to the self-esteem issues, but there ya go), but since I’ve been laying on my stomach my arms had some trouble getting into good positions holding up your sworn enemy a different option. Now that I can sit up and/or lay on my back more often, you better get some good programming or I am gone.
Dear Back Drugs,
You are so pretty, yes you are.
With All My Love,
Your Devoted One
ETA: Ok, so I finally heard back; turns out the newspaper wasn’t stolen, the subscription was cancelled. So apologies to the not real thief. Whoops.